“The Kenya government has declared that it was their desire for her majesty the queen to become queen of Kenya, and Mr Ngala on behalf of the opposition, expressed his support for this. My Rt… Read More »Inside the Forward Africa Summit: Banquets, Defence Deals and Kenya’s Uneasy Questions About Sovereignty
“Hell is empty and all the demons are here—William Shakespeare. It is a well-known truth that a politician’s main duty is to steal public funds on behalf of his masters; the rent-seeking African elites, and the… Read More »Inside the Republic of Goonistan
Life in a kakistocracy is not for the faint-hearted. It is a full-contact sport. A live theatre production. A travelling circus with no refunds and compulsory attendance. One moment, billions evaporate from the government’s eCitizen… Read More »THE REPUBLIC OF PREMIUM TEARS: A FIELD GUIDE TO FUEL, FRAUD, AND FAITH
Suffering from obesity? Tired of jogging in circles around your estate while boda bodas chase you like you owe them money? Have you tried managu smoothies, intermittent fasting, or whispering affirmations to your stomach at… Read More »HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT IN KENYA WITHOUT GOING TO THE GYM: A MICROFINANCE GUIDE
I sat next to a man in a pub who cut the image of a lonely figure at a crowded table, surrounded by noisy football fans. Outside, the busy streets—usually teeming with revelers—lay deserted as… Read More »The Road to Singapore: How Betting Became Kenya’s Biggest Employer
In Kenya, to look important, you need a suit and a tie. But if you’re Akuku ‘Danger,’ you don’t need props. Politics in Kenya requires neither manifesto nor shame—only a convoy, a loud shirt, and… Read More »How to Build a Republic Without Stealing: The Akuku Danger Way
Walk through Nairobi on a Friday evening and you will witness a strange national ritual. Young women glide through the city streets in jeans so tight they look vacuum-sealed. Their bums bop to a rhythm… Read More »Get Rich, Get Laid, Get Lost: Nairobi’s Love Story
Once in a while the nation breaks into a dance that makes the government froth in righteous fury. Deadlines shatter like cheap glass. We brook no rules because we break them anyway. The authorities respond… Read More »Deadlines My Foot, We are Kenyans!
If unga—the nation’s sacred maize flour, the true heir to the throne of Kenyan hunger—decided to run for president now, it would annihilate all frontrunners. Politicians are panicking. Pollsters have been replaced by nutritionists. Both… Read More »“Unga for President! How Maize Flour is Kenya’s Most Trusted Leader (and Other Stories Mispronounced Into History)”
It’s morning in Nairobi’s blue-collar district. Young men and women make their way quietly to the neighborhood pedis house to purchase weed. Posh working-class women and men, young hustlers, mkokoteni pushers, watu wa mjengo, boda-boda taxi operators,… Read More »The Holy Herb and the Republic of Hypocrisy